journey of the very hungry caterpillar

the little things

the very hungry caterpillar — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 15:13:24 +0000

it’s the little things like taking my birkies and putting them just that tad nearer after you for me. all that after looking suave and in-the-know during the viewing and asking all the right questions. think we lack the heartland navigation gene. it’s biological.

do you even care

the very hungry caterpillar — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 16:29:27 +0000

my mind is a funny thing, master spin doctor always ready to pounce on me when I’m weak and nary on my guard, swallowing me whole. feel bad for making her feel like I’m not interested in talking or sharing when it really is the contrary. just being really can be the hardest thing. and it all came tumbling out thru such a tiny innocent trigger like so why do you wanna buy a shophouse. all this toxic acid in my mind eating me alive. ferris wheels of rubbish thoughts going around and around, never evolving or growing because I simply forget, my mind’s cunning way of avoiding real change. and I throw common logic out the window when all it could have taken was a reminder that all relationships and all good things on earth take a constant daily effort.

romp

the very hungry caterpillar — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 00:14:14 +0000

last such a good time in bed last night. sometimes shutup badgers me about how I seldom take initiative and how I’m always having fun first.

really turned on when we talk, hearing her move m boy from nothing to creating something, of being independent, of harvard business review articles about not giving up when the going gets tough because it’s probably the worst time to and me
having a knack of starting something with ex’s.

so actually, yes, I really should lower my pride openy mouth and talk to her more. she’s got so much to offer. committed to her for always.

in the middle of the night

the very hungry caterpillar — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 06:31:41 +0000

love when we talk talk talk.

we both couldnt sleep last night and so we hung out on the sofa just talking and listening. love when she tells me about her work and the whole family there, hearing about these people ive never met and things beyond me and my tiny imagination. call me biased but i’m happy to be and think the world of her and what she does.

pretty new shoes

the very hungry caterpillar — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 14:56:00 +0000

love seeing her in good mood carrying shopping home and parading her new finds for me, my little Lara Croft.

we talked about home today and again, speechless, it’s amazing how I turn absolutely mute at times like these. couldn’t tell her that this is home because she keeps me safe and loves and wants me here beside her. home for me is anywhere she is. doesn’t have to have an address or cool concrete floor or a 5% yield. just her and her happy smile.

didn’t like to see her get caught in difficult mum situation too. tough going home to leftovers and being at the mercy of someone else’s schedule. but deep down she wanted to go with her dad too.

die another day

the very hungry caterpillar — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 14:53:07 +0000

another indignificant moment where I loved you – she tells me at dinner that she’s always wanted someone who’d cook for her.

why we will go the distance is because she will always wake up and say the hardest word. and we will laugh about it after – why do you love me, she muses. cranky, impatient grumpy me, she smiles. of course I do. I just simply do.

walk in the park

the very hungry caterpillar — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 07:39:44 +0000

love our weekend morning walks and her reminding me just to slow down and have little pockets if down time. she let me into her little methods of car washing – thought it was another nice step into her world. tried to listen as she spoke of conversations with friends and moving into a conclusion or result of some sort and not being suckered of her emotions or staying in a ranting negative space. precious these moments as she tells me of horrid Indian punks full of hot air and fireworks. wish the little things didn’t get to her so much but love it that she’s opinionated, merticulous not with the details but the big picture and has impeccable tastes.

beautiful things remind me of her. good music, surge of emotions, the sofa on a Saturday and the blue cloud sky.

showed me her favourite pavillion to read; running in lost circles in the botanics. feel like the luckiest person on earth when she calls me baby.

and then there’re those times like these I feel so stupid and confused. guess giving up is really my backdoor she said that she was surprised I actually raised it againbecause she was over it already. got totally up in arms about not saying it out because me feeling scared meant I didn’t want her to feel it and that she must change.

guess part of growing up is dismissing all these petty jealousies about having the same phone, a long history, touring the world together and knowing that her goddaughters birthday was on 15 feb and having to remind her because somewhere in their history she has once asked to be reminded. that they have a past; an understanding and intimate experience, dreams, plans and schemes together of which I was not meant to be a part of.

don’t know what to do now. jesus if there is a point and purpose to this all, I thank you. at least I’m in this with her. there’s no where else I rather be. and really at this epoint there’s nothing I would rather hold on to – no part of my ego, pride, image that is precious enough for me to rather uphold. I’d apologise, reflect, repent, deliberate, back off, change, admit, and try till my last breathe. guess I really have lived a sheltered life; ignorant and myopic and played really small games and have only dreamed of what is a daily reality to many.

guess the fact that we are from different worlds and all the issues that plague lovers will come soon enough. circle of life.

doesn’t change the fact that I love her. I may not know the best way to, and may even like Tana have the knack of giving her things she doesn’t like and may well always be this insurmountably insecure me, but it doesn’t change fact that my heart belongs to her and only her.

p.s. they both have cute names for their cars

birthday blues

the very hungry caterpillar — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 15:43:48 +0000

going bananas over what to do for her birthday. helpful suggestions about favourite things and paying attention and really listening stress me our even more. undecided over artwork, my secret ember dreams entirely thwarted by casually gotten vouchers and so now toying with ideas of home cooked pot luck and private dining rooms photo art and robot bibs. wish I could create better conversations and remember everything.

funny little nothing

the very hungry caterpillar — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 03:25:05 +0000

kinda miss her. she has an ability to be around yet a million miles away. guess its just work mode which we all have and i really shouldnt be so touchy about it. guess i just miss her.

went into massive planet j just the other day, and yeah, says she’ll just sit and watch, which i guess is also really the best thing to do. its something i have to resolve on my own since the terms are really not ever going to change, and i’m the new addition to the family so i have to be the one to fit in. the downside of this is that the concept of becoming family is that much more tenuous such that it…. no, its not true. she made it not true. christmas she did.

the u-turn over the holiday was startling too. was so afraid, slightly still now, but she really made it all go away, bunnie doing the u-turn forever etched in my memory. its one of those things you never forget.

been thinking a lot about life on earth, friends, how the world sees and measures me, how i measure myself. come from nothing, come from nothing. so hard when the world moves the other way. especially when i have nothing literally. no home to sit upon awaiting en bloc, no inheritance i can flaunt and take for granted, no legacy i forged while still a nubile young thing, no company i raised from the organic earth and no hard cash to make a wise purchase with. actually really just God and His wise words. how laughable. i must have read it all wrong and got it all messed up.

first row

the very hungry caterpillar — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 03:27:40 +0000

never seen her storm off and mutter under her breathe about how it was such a chore. am praying really hard not to make this in any way about me. please help me see and guide me and show me the truth. neither need nor want this to be about me. know my hearing can be unreasonably selective, coloured by insecurity and dulled by assumptions. but I want nothing of that for myself, this relationship and my life from herein. I pine for clarity and wisdom and am acutely aware that my mouth may utter these words of which my intellect and person may possess none of and may make all of this sound like politiciany propaganda thick with ignorance pride stubborness and hypocrisy. I don’t know the right words to say and am no spin doctor nor wit meister; a mere dim heart and a blunt consciousness to cling upon. j, I just want you to know that there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to make your life a little better, to have the air around you a little lighter or the sun a little warmer. just to have you smile a little longer and wider.